Which are the main problems in a shared flat? and even more answers.

1. Introduction: Human beings confronted with new situations

On October university starts. Therefore, many students decide to live together and share expenses. At Finques Feliu we did not want to end this month without explaining how to solve the problems in a shared apartment. Although the pretext to talk about this topic is the beginning of the university year, these lines are intended as a guide for anyone who shares a roof.

Starting this vital experience implies, above all, a change.

Broadly speaking, human beings react to anything new with enthusiasm and good predisposition or with uncertainty and certain resistance. These answers do not manifest themselves with the same intensity in each person and, moreover, this varies depending on the moment.

Our psychological reflection is relevant because in this text we write about how to deal with conflicts between cohabitants in shared apartments These disputes are always interpersonal. To see it more clearly, let us think about the opposite case: when one gets angry with oneself, at least in the first place, it "only" generates discomfort within oneself. 

2. The different causes of coexistence problems and their solutions 

The first thing to discern is: What type of problem do we mean when we talk about a confrontation between people living together? This type of situations are interpersonal conflicts.

 What do we mean by interpersonal conflict? Psicologíaymente.com defines it as follows: "A confrontation that arises quickly as it is only necessary for one person to feel attacked to start it, which means that it can arise as a result of misunderstandings". 

Finques Feliu never hides its sources: the problems exposed in the epigraphs: 2.2, 2.3, 2.4 and 2.6 come from the web: epsibapsicologia.es. However, our way of explaining them is not the same.  

Except for the last point, we will talk about the causes of the problems, not about their concrete manifestations, for example: "there are unwashed clothes that should already be clean".

2.1 To hate conflict

We begin with a paradox: not saying what makes us uncomfortable about others seems to ensure the present and future absence of any kind of confrontation, but as we will see throughout the text, this is a mistake. 

Let's see why: such an attitude can be a burden if you never say what you expect, what makes you uncomfortable, what makes you sad, or simply do not tolerate a "no". In the end, you will end up exploiting a deadly necessity for coexistence. It is important to underline that to express ourselves, in any sense, in a serene and assertive way, never means to attack, on the contrary, it means to know ourselves better with the others.

Solution: to know yourself well and to communicate.

2.2. The absence of rules and distribution of tasks

To establish from the beginning some minimum rules in the shared apartment is an effective vaccine against future misunderstandings, we advise that, taking advantage of the fact that it is written, each one introduces him/herself to his/her flatmates in a transparent way, that is to say, saying how he/she is. Think about it this way: living together can never mean always turning your back on your flatmates. 

Solution: Set the obligations of each person from the beginning.  

2.3. Our expectations on the others 

We all know what bothers us and what does not. However, others do not have to.

What we have just said is obvious, but that does not prevent it from being the seed of countless conflicts. It is so because the person who initiates the confrontation assumes that others should know what bothers him. 

Double solution: on the one hand, to know how to communicate with roommates, on the other hand, to be empathetic, kind and grateful. 

2.4. I am responsible for everything

Many people due to: low self-esteem, self-demand or to avoid conflict place the accusatory focus on themselves. Everyone makes mistakes, of course, but don't be implacable with yourself! Being so neither helps you nor helps others to understand you.

Solution: be more tolerant with yourself.

2.5. My colleagues are unbearable

In the context of intrapersonal problems, it is possible to think in the opposite way and, more importantly in the context of intrapersonal problems, to feel that others deliberately do not want to accede to our requests. Here, it is necessary to make a reflection, formulations like: "the others deliberately do not want to accede to our requests" manifest something deep: we feel attacked and this feeling does not help us at all.

Solution: be empathetic and give time to others.

2.6. Constant arguing and, in extreme cases, mistreatment

There are people who, contrary to what was stated in the first point, do not hate conflict: they live from it and this reality should not be hidden. If you are in this situation: discussions are constant, unjustified, with shouting and even aggression you should not allow it.

Solutions: At first, if what happens is that there are strong arguments that dissolve like sugar cubes after a while, look for external mediation. If, on the other hand, the situation is one of abuse or harassment, denounce it. 

3. Possible problems of coexistence with the owners' community: Can we celebrate a party in the apartment?

This is a very delicate point: it is obvious that parties are a frequent reason for disputes with the owners' community where you live. With this warning in mind, we recommend

a) Inform you in the web page of the Town hall on which limits of noise exist for every hour interval.

b) Inform the Community of the situation and, consequently, request prior permission from the members of the owners' meeting. 

In addition, we warn that under no circumstances you should: go to the common areas to drink alcohol, vomit, defecate, fight, cause damage etc. You will be held accountable by the police.

4. Is everything that seems to be a problem?

The answer to the question in the headline is "no". In fact, a large part of the situations that distress us are worries, yes, but they are not real problems.

For example it is very quicly to distribute the rooms of a shared apartment. 

5. Epilogue: Beyond apartment sharing: What are our rights and duties as tenants with respect to the property? What does the "COVID-19 clause" consist of? 

It never hurts to remember what are the rights and duties you have as tenants. At Finques Feliu we explained it in detail three years ago. 

At the time of writing this text the incidence figures of COVID-19 are going down. However, months ago the "COVID-19 clause", which is sometimes incorporated in rental contracts, made headlines. It arose to protect against the consequences of the pandemic, Fotocasa explains it in the following link. It is important to emphasize that this provision must always be agreed between the landlord and the tenant.  

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